帮我看看我的英语作文有什么需要修改的地方

Dear daughters
First, I should say sorry to you. Because of my tiger parenting, you hadn't enjoyed your childhood. But you should know that,as a mother everything I do is out of love and compassion. Parents hope children can have bright futures. So do I. I am doing what I can to make your life more promising and meaningful.
Do you remember, when you were 7 years old, I forced you to practice playing the piano for hours without a little break, until at last you learned the piece? As we are in the new century, we should focus on all-round development and essential-qualities-oriented education. So I request you to play the piano for hours a day. It would be a skill which makes you own elegance and good taste.
As you know, anyone can do well if they work hard enough. So when you came in the second on a multiplication speed test at school, I made you do 20 practice tests every night for a week, clocking you with a stopwatch. Everything comes to him who waits, after this, you get the first every time. So I insist that it’s virtually impossible to become proficient at a mental task without extensive practice.
Now, you have grown up. I relax the requirements for you. You can spend your time in your hobbies or with your friends. I don’t want to design your future; you should make efforts by yourself. You are the master of yourself
; Your fate depends upon yourself.
Hard work, persistence: whether Chinese or American, that sounds like a prescription for success with which it's very difficult to argue. I believe you will have bright future.
改完啦，好长呢，是妈妈写的吗？很厉害啊

Dear daughters
First, I should say sorry to you. Because of my tiger parenting, you don’t enjoy your childhood. But you know. Everything I do as a mother is based on a foundation of love and compassion. Parents hope THEIR children can have a bright future. So do I. I am doing what I can to make your life more promising and meaningful.
Do you remember, when you were 7 years old, I forced you to practice playing the piano for hours without ANY break, until at last you learned the piece. As we are in contemporary century, we should focus on all-round development and essential-qualities-ORIENTATED education. So I require you to play the piano for hours a day. It would be a skill which GRANTS YOU ELEGANCE AND GOOD TASTE.
As you know, anyone can do well if they work hard enough. So when you came in the second on a multiplication speed test at school, I made you do 20 practice tests every night for a week, TIMING you with a stopwatch. Everything comes to THOSE who WAIT, after this, you get the first PLACE every time. So I insist that it’s virtually impossible to become proficient at a mental task without extensive practice.
Now, you have grown up. I relax the requirements for you. You can spend your time in your hobbies or with your friends. I don’t want to CONTROL your future; you should make an effort by yourselves. You are the master of yourself
; Your fate depends upon yourself.
Hard work, persistence: whether Chinese or American, that sounds like a prescription for success with which it's very difficult to argue. I believe you will have A bright future.

如果老师说ok的话就ok啦，我也不太熟悉中国的英语教育，如果改的不及格就sorry啦 :)

你去找老师吧，老师应该很愿意帮你修改的，这里不太靠谱呢。