雅思大作文修改 高分！！求分数。。

一起讨论! 共同进步~~ O(∩_∩)O ~~
In the present age(开头最好不要这样写 模板太明显的话 一般都是5-5.5分) ,it is generally arguable that whether (should放到孩子们的后面 whether是从句这里不用倒装) children be busy with some money-making jobs.(感觉这句没完, 应该加上or focus on studying at school.)Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue(这里可以换同义词比如dispute 或者debate可能感觉更好哈~) that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study(如果表名词应该是Studies估计你应该不会想用动词嘿嘿~) and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.(我没背过模板,就是感觉这个前半句跟后面I AM 有点重复的说 最好改改哈~比如逗号后面用the former view做主语is more convincing什么的~)

There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly(firstly & most importantly比较常用吧). Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job(some kind of 修饰不可数n. parttime job可数...) may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster(前面要加冠词) may fall behind the others as a consequence of spending major time on paid work(可以用making a profit代替有偿工作 稍稍感觉有点重复啦 不换也没事~).Last but not the least, working in flexible society would emerge variety of possible problems. For example,some child labourers ask children to do some illegal works(work单数 不然意思就变了) which could lead to serious physical and emotional hazards.(中间可以加个cognitive ^_^)

Admittedly , valuable work experience is beneficial to youngster(加冠词). The reason for this is that young students can learn how to take responsibilities and promote their adaptability(-ies这个词可数哦). Even so, paid work may make the children (to删掉吧 MAKE DO/DOING) only concentrate on making money instead of study(感觉最好-ing比较对仗工整啦~). Moreover(用过这个词换了吧 这种conj很多滴 比如furthermore, what's more, likewise什么的), some youngster would like to step into society and leave off their study.(like可以说prefer 这个词还有点贬义的感觉用这里刚刚好哈~ ; 后面leave...或者直接说drop out of school)

Overall, i would concede that paid work have some merits on enriching work experience and contributing to the ability to survive.(感觉the survival ability of individuals可能更好..) Despite that,(that容易误会 用this感觉更清楚~) children that engaged in making money may cause many possible serious dangerous problems.(may和Possible有点重复吧 而且problems加的adj太多了顺序也可能出错的...不如尽量转换n.还属于高级写法~比如the potential impact of issues) In summary, i am convinced (把前面的i am favor of 放这里吧~嘿嘿~)that government should make laws to regulate the market of child labour and monitor the children work in reasonable time.(貌似最后一句总结chinglish点... 可以说government should make laws to regulate general public labour market and restrict the act of hiring the child labour)

有点乱呵呵 凑合看吧~ 不过你总体思路好清晰哇~~~~
应该在6-6.5之间吧。。。有时候更容易在小作文上丢分……