英语笑话，脑筋急转弯

　　
　　A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
　　The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
　　Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
　　The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

　　
　　Bush got something wrong with his brain.
　　After medical examination, doctor tells him:
　　Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right.
　　Your left brain has nothing right,
　　Your right brain has nothing left.

　　
　　You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.
　　Pessimist:you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.
　　Optimist:you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before.
　　Procrastinator:you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
　　Bureaucrat:you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
　　Lawyer:you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
　　Doctor:you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
　　Sales executive:you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
　　Internal Revenue Service:you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
　　Advertiser:you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
　　Engineer:you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
　　Scientist:you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
　　Mathematician:you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
　　Philosophy:you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
　　English:you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
　　Comparative Literature:you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
　　Computer Science:you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
　　Economics:you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
　　Psychoanalysis:you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
　　Drama:you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
　　Art:you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
　　Republican:as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
　　Democrat:you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
　　Libertarian:after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
　　Ross Perot:you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
　　Surgeon General:you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
　　Association of Tobacco Growers:you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
　　National Rifle Association:you shoot them and take the parachute.
　　Police Bigot:you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
　　Environmentalist:you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
　　Objectivist:your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
　　Branch Davidian (David Koresh):you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
　　Sports Fan:you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
　　Auto Mechanic:as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

《学英语》
有一天,我正在看VCD,老妈捧了一本书进来.
老妈:「这个"I don't know."是什麼意思?」
我说:「我不知道.」
老妈:「送你上大学读了几年,你怎麼什麼都不知道?!」
我说:「不是!就是"我不知道"嘛!」
老妈:「还嘴硬!」
说完老妈给了我一巴掌.
老妈:「那"I know."是什麼意思你应该知道吧?!」
我说:「是"我知道".」
老妈:「知道就快说.」
我说:「就是"我知道".」
老妈:「你皮痒是不是?」
我说:「就是"我知道"呀!」
老妈:「知道你还不说?不懂不要装懂!」
老妈又给了我一巴掌.
「再问你最后一个,」老妈:「你给我翻译一下,
"I know but I don't want to tell you."是什麼意思?」
我:「………………」
我拿起枕头往自己头上猛K三十几下,用头撞墙三十多下,
用脚踢桌角三十多下,双手轮流掌嘴三十多下,
血肉模糊之时,我问老妈:「这下你满意了吧?!」

人们常说:「学习是痛苦的历程.」
不过我不明白,为什麼受伤的总是我.
我妈学英文的热情日益高涨,因而我的苦难就日益加深.
今天,她又来问我了.
「儿子啊!」老妈:
「"I'm very annoyance, don't tuouble me."是什麼意思啊?」
我说:「我很烦,别烦我.」
老妈:「欠揍!跟你妈这麼说话.」
於是,我又挨了一巴掌.
老妈又问:「"I hear nothing, reapt."是什麼意思呢?」
我说:「我没听清楚,再说一次.」
老妈又说了一遍:「I hear nothing, reapt.」
我说:「我没听清楚,再说一次.」
我:「噢～好痛!」
老妈再问:「"What do you say?"又是什麼意思呢?」
我说:「你说什麼?」
老妈作势要打我,「算了!问另外一句.」老妈:「"Look up in the dictionary."是什麼意思呢?」
我说:「查字典.」
老妈:「叫我查字典?那我干嘛问你?!」
这次,我挨了两巴掌.
老妈又问:「"You had better ask somebody."怎麼翻呢?」
我说:「你最好问别人.」
老妈:「你是我儿子,我问别人干嘛?你又在皮痒了.」
我说:「啊! God save me!」
老妈:「敢耍你老妈?上帝也救不了你!」
老妈又给了我一巴掌.
「我再问你.」老妈:
「"Use your head, then think it over."又是什麼意思呢?」
我说:「动动你的脑子,再仔细想想.」
老妈:「死囝仔,还敢耍我?!」接著又要动手.
我连忙说:「是世上只有妈妈好的意思.」
「嗯,这还差不多!」老妈:「等一下我做好吃的给你吃,下次再问你.」
我终於松了一口气.

1.男人小便打一植物
答;花(flower)扶老二吗
2.小偷最怕那三个字母
答；I C U 我看见你了