1. Dear teachers 改为 The Admission Committee 或者去掉
2. It will be a great honor for me if I can get access to the world-famous university--HKU.
太没有自信
3. What attract me 改成What attracts me
4. International ways of teaching 改为World-class education
5. Culture Platform to the outer world ---> diversed culture cocktail
6. I’m fairly familiar with... 太口语化
7. in an incredible speed ---> incredibly rapidly
8. a easy task --> an easy task
全文不够自信 重点需要再突出 说服力尚可
哇，太...................
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