请雅思作文高手点评作文，指出我的不足，和需要改善的地方

Since reading is important for a good education , we should encourage our children to read extensively . However , as there is an abundance of undesirable reading matter , there should be heavy (censorship 应该是 censored) to restrict access to it (them 多过一本书) .
What is your opinion ?

It is widely believed in today`s world that reading books play a crucial part in education , therefore we should encourage the youth to read widely . However , we cannot deny that there are some unheathy reading parts which will corrupt young people`s minds . Toward this problem , personally I think the department concerned must take some measures to restrict the unhealthy books .

Reading can help people (要加 to) be more intelligent and to be a well-educated person , additionally , (去掉the) different sorts of books might have multifunctional (multi-functional ) purposes , for example , the international newspapers can keep us posted on what has (had 消息已是过去发生的事情) happened around the world and can also expand our (outlook 改为 horizon), while the entertainment books can (keep us back 改为 help us to unwind) and relax , build our personality and stop to smell the rose, besides, the encyclopedias can let us know the essence of (all the stuff 改为 everything) around the world . Undoubtedly, it`s an absolutely good evidence to dictate that the (health 是 healthy) books can bring us the positive impacts .

Comparatively , there is still an abundance of undesirable reading matter existed in the markets which might cause negative influences to the children . Due to the low self-controlled ability of them , it is difficult to resist the temptation and they may be easily addicted to the tempting plots , such as violence and sexy pictures which strongly sharpen their sensitivities and affect their behaviours and psychology . More broadly , it will cause severe juvenile delinquency which is unfavorable to the families and (要加 the) society.

According to the obvious evidence above , it is noteworthy that the disadvantage was undoubtedly attributed to the undesirable books . Reading books certainly has (用 have) enormous benefits , nevertheless , restrict the unhealthy books definitely hold great significance . Last but not least , we should suggest the children to read more good and positive books to enrich their lives and stir their imaginations

很有见地的文章，只有些微错漏，但我已替你更正了，希望会对你有助。

很中规中举的作文．有些口语的表达用在文中不太恰当。比如说stuff（口语）　－　things（书面），　lay　back（口语）．　　欧觉得LL可以把你自己实际的阅读经验融会到你的文章里，会让你的论点更有说服力。

最好不要用直接翻译的方法写。不是高手也可以看得出错误...