雅思作文,请高手帮忙看一下啊,万分感谢

Over the past few decades, Internet has been advancing in an astonishing speed in contemporary society and it is used widely in the field of education. Some people think schools can be replaced by Internet completely in that children can study at home instead, while others claim that schooling is not alternative. From my perspective, the significant role of schools is irreplaceable.
第一句语法有问题，用such as的话， 后面最好列举大于等于两个的例子，for表原因，后面加名词或动名词，不跟句子，还有单词拼写错误……

There is no denying that Internet can provide several of information for kids. Due to information overload, numerous interesting and instant news, vivid photographs and videos are saturated in different websites. Obviously, it is the point that is stimulating children’s interest in studying and exploring our unknown world. By that I mean Internet is attractive to child who goes to school ages and it seems that traditional schooling is not of necessity.
一般用several of 较various of 正式，虽然various of也有用，接着读你写的就读不下去了，
这短话逻辑有点不清，而且过于夸赞网络的好处了，改成下面的较好，所以后段的衔接词也改了
There is no denying that Internet is more attractive to schoolchildren owing to it can provide them with numerous interesting , instant news, vivid photographs and videos, which can stimulate children to study and explore our unknown world in some degree. But this fancy is based on that children will not being led astray by those violence, pornography and exaggerated fictions.

Besides, the negative aspects of replacing school with education at home may trouble us to some extent. To begin with, children studying at home cannot communicate with their peers. Probably, kids who are studying alone in their early ages will have difficulties in communicating with other people when they grow up, which is not beneficial to individual development and social harmony in a long-term. What’s more, nobody can acquire a technique through the Internet without any training and exercise, such as cooking and swimming. Therefore, conventional classes at schools cannot be substituted, especially courses regarding sports and instruments, the same goes in scientific experiments, children must implement it by themselves to explore fantastic phenomena and look for the principles, rather than seeing the videos.

probably…… are proved to……这句不太好，前面用了很有可能， 而后面是被证明，就是肯定了，这样矛盾了，所以两者应该舍其一，为了加强语气，用后面一个更好。
To sum up, it is necessary that sending children to school to accept education. Indeed, it would be better if combines traditional schooling with Internet, which definitely benefits our next generation and our society as a whole.
Contact with是联系的意思。

总的来说写的还是不错的，词汇很丰富，但有很多词有拼写错误，已改，写文章注意点吧，比如第一段你写的最后一个词是不存在的……

题目：学校在现代社会中渐渐被电子网络所取代。网络上大量存在的信息和技术让孩子能在家中学习。以下的观点你有神马看法？

正文：最近几十年中（decades是指十年）， 网络和电子技术正以惊人的速度推广并发展。题目被应用在广阔的范围中，甚至教育。部分家长们认为网络可以取代学校的位子。而作者认为，学校是必要的。
我无法否认网络上信息的全面和广泛。网络提供了全面的信息，最新的新闻，悦目的图片和详细的视频。 我认为网络对青年人是非常充满诱惑的，而传统的学校就略显缺陷了。
无论如何，代替学校的负面作用还是有的。学生在网络上无法和同学近距离接触并建立感情。学校里的经历对他们的社交是非常有益的。而且，有些科目是无法光以理论代替的，比如游泳，体育。并且科学中的实验堆学生也是非常有益的。
总体来说，学校是必须的。当然，一个有着便利网络的学校对我们的下一代就再好不过了。