[ . . . ]里面的是增加的单词、句子
( . . . )里面是更改过的单词、句子（语法或拼写错误）
< . . . > 里面是要删掉的单词、句子
【···】需要的时候，中文评论、解释
我把1-2句话隔成了一个段落是为了我修改方便（眼睛看的不会太累），而并不是因为要分段的。
Talent Show(s) on TV
Nowadays, with the developing economy,more and more people [are] pay(ing) their attention to the entertainment [industry].
In this situation, all kinds of talent shows (have) appeared on TV. There are two reasons why talent shows (are becoming) so popular .【明白你是想说“以下···”，可是写英文文章的时候，如果要很舒服，很漂亮的，最好避开“请看以下几点”这样的句子】
First(ly), people (have became) richer so they have (enough) money [for] not only [food] and [shelter] , but also [for] entertainment.
In the (modern) world, [people] work so hard to earn money that they need to relax themselves sometimes. The (recent) appearance of [various] talent shows fit their need(s)【如果光是“the appearance of...”的话，会以为是talent show的长相呢！所以我加了“recent”在前面，这样就表达清楚“（最近）talent show的出现···”的意思了！】.
Moreover, teens [today] are more interest(ed) in talent shows. They spend a lot of time on all kinds of shows.【不是很明白你说的“they are so active that they...”是想说他们很活跃吗？我觉得直接就说重点，“他们放很多时间看不通的节目”】
More and more teens are absorbed in [watching these] talent shows, [as a result,] (these) shows [are] becom(ing) [increasingly] popular. 【最好写作的时候不要重复同样的词好几遍，适当的时候要换词用噢！这样给人感觉你词汇量很大～】
[Admittingly], I like to watch talent shows on TV [too]. 【很舒服？什么很舒服？这句话语法没错，可是完全有点凑字数的感觉，还是不要为好】
[In my opinion,] talent shows are good for teens . The shows [are] always [aired during] summer or winter [vacations] so the students can [also] play a part on [the show itself.]
[After studying for hours at ends, they are able to entertain and relax themselves through the participation of these shows while learning a lot about themselves and everything else.]【嗯，最后一句我基本上全改了，主要是句子太中国英语，词汇量有限】
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总结：
总的来说还是可以的。我觉得LZ主要的问题在于词汇量不够，所以经常会重复一样的称述句形，实际上还有很多不同的说法来表达同样的意思噢。
语法方面要注意时态的表示。the有点用的过多，很多在没有一个特定的“物品”或“人物”的前提下不需要用the（比如说“teens”，如果硬要加the的话，那就是 the teen，指的是一个单独的青少年）。拼写的话，如果我没记错一共有两处，可能是打字的手误吧。
Cheers!
